St. Louis Beacon – Lost and found: Jim Zimmerly returned to Vietnam with adoptive family to meet his biological one

Lost and found: Jim Zimmerly returned to Vietnam with adoptive family to meet his biological one

By Kristen Hare, Beacon staff

Video by Kristen Hare Posted 10:24 a.m. Fri., 03.12.10 – They met outside Ho Chi Minh City airport. He was exhausted, unprepared and unsure, but Jim Zimmerly stood there surrounded by a crowd of people, in the arms of his crying mother. His biological mother. The woman who adopted him at 1, who raised him and loved him and put him through school stood nearby. She cried, too. Thirty-two years before, their lives all intersected when Zimmerly’s biological mother in Vietnam gave him up for adoption and a family in St. Louis signed up to adopt a child from a country still in tatters from war. Close to 3,000 children were adopted into families in the United States during the time, with thousands more in Europe, Canada and Australia. Zimmerly was one of those children. read more Lost and found: 35 years later, Vietnamese adoptees still try to grasp place in world Lost and found: Dan Bischoff’s journey for answers took him around the world, but clarified little But it was 2007 now, and Saigon was Ho Chi Minh City, and Zimmerly wasn’t a baby, but a 32-year-old back in Vietnam for the first time. His birth mother was small, fragile, it seemed, her hair cut short. She cried throughout the day and touched him all she could, his face, his back, as they sat at her small home around the coffee table eating plates of rice and shrimp and fish, sweating and sipping bottled water, as he met his younger brother, two younger sisters and their families. During that trip, he probably spent a total of 10 hours with his biological family. “I wish there was more, but it seemed like more than enough,” he says now, seated at a Starbucks in St. Peters. “What do you talk about, you know? We just sat there. You go into it thinking you’re going to have all these questions, like, who my father was.” But once he met her, Zimmerly couldn’t ask those questions. “I didn’t know what to do.” He points to a photo of him and his biological brother, who have the same smile. His brother was born just 10 months later, and Zimmerly thinks, that could have been me, I could have stayed in Vietnam, he could have been adopted. It’s something he’s thought about a lot — chance. Like how easily he might have been among half of the passengers who didn’t survive the C5 Galaxy crash 35 years ago during the first flight of Operation Babylift. Or how easily he could have ended up with a family who mistreated him. “It’s fate and destiny and a lot of luck, obviously, to survive a plane crash,” he says. But chance hasn’t shaped everything in his life. Family has. ST. LOUIS, 1970s In Vietnam, Zimmerly couldn’t ask questions about his past. But in St. Louis, they always came easily. They started as a child and often included this one: Why did you and dad decide to adopt the child of a stranger from another country? “I’ve always known that story,” he says. “And I always remember it.” screening What: “Operation Babylift: The Lost Children of Vietnam” When: 7 p.m., Mon., March 15 Where: Anheuser-Busch Hall, law school at Washington University. What else: Panel discussion afterward about intercountry adoption and cultural identity, including Sister Susan McDonald and adoptees Dan Bischoff and Jim Zimmerly. RSVPs are required. Click here for more info. In the 1970s, Wanda and Mel Zimmerly sat on the beach one Sunday, having a picnic during a two-week visit with her brother in California. There, playing in the sand, was a little girl from Korea. She’d been adopted, they found out. “Wouldn’t that be nice if we could do something like that?” Wanda Zimmerly said to her husband then. They talked about it again on the trip home to St. Louis. About a year later, she saw an article in the newspaper about adoptions and how to help the children of Vietnam. She got more information and applied. The Zimmerlys, who worked through Friends for Children of Vietnam, had a home study and got on a waiting list. Then, they waited. a new home Photos provided by Jim Zimmerly In February 1975, when the Zimmerlys’ daughter and son were 10 and 8, the family got a photo of a little boy. He was about a year old and weighed 13 pounds. They assumed his mother was dead. They had 10 days to decide if they wanted him. They did. They’d name him Jim. One morning that April, Mel Zimmerly left for work like he always did. A little after 6:30 that morning, the home phone rang. Wanda Zimmerly answered. “Wanda, there’s been a plane crash in Vietnam,” a friend said. She knew they were trying to get the kids out of Vietnam, but she didn’t know if the little boy they adopted was on the plane that crashed. Later that afternoon she saw the news on TV. The C5 Galaxy carrying Americans and orphans crashed several minutes after takeoff. Nearly half of those on board had died, including children. Wanda Zimmerly was devastated. A few days later, a social worker in Colorado called her and said, “I think we found Jimmy.” Wanda Zimmerly arranged for a friend to bring the little boy from Colorado once the paper work was cleared. He arrived on a Saturday night, the day before his first birthday. His new sister, Melissa, was 10 when Jim arrived. She remembers he was tiny and couldn’t walk, how he loved ice cream and never fussed. Three years later, a letter arrived from Friends for All Children in Colorado. “In April of 1975, a plane evacuating 228 of our children from Viet Nam crashed. Seventy eight of the children and six staff were killed. One hundred and fifty children survived. Your child was one of the surviving children.” ST. LOUIS/WASHINGTON D.C. 1978-1981 For several years, the Zimmerly family traveled to Washington, D.C., regularly, like other families in the lawsuits against Lockheed and the government for the crash of the C5 Galaxy. a new family Jim is held by his sister, Melissa, as his brother, Melvin, stands by. During those trials, it came out that the rear doors of the cargo plane had blown off after takeoff, as they’d done 17 times before. There was no oxygen, and children passed out as the plane crashed. That loss of oxygen caused some of the children to suffer minimal brain damage. Jim Zimmerly saw doctors, was strapped down for a cat scan and visited an empty courtroom. To him, it was a big vacation. He started bragging to friends about how many times he’d been to D.C. The first trial ended in mistrial, and a second trial proceeded, where the Zimmerlys were included in a class action suit. That trial ended in a settlement and the Zimmerlys returned to St. Louis, but Operation Babylift remained an important part of their lives. ST. LOUIS, 1980-2005 Nearly every summer through the end of high school, many of the Operation Babylift families vacationed together. They went to Colorado, Cape Cod, Wild Dunes, S.C., Oregon, Disneyland and even St. Louis. They stayed in their own rented houses or hotels, but gathered together for meals and activities. Friends with a common bond Jim is the first person on the right in a vacation photo with other Operation Babylift families. Though all the kids lived in different parts of the country, Jim Zimmerly grew to think of them as a family. Among them were an understanding and a connection that didn’t require explaining or a map. It was easy. Zimmerly always knew he was adopted, he’d heard the story again and again. And though his father’s side of the family were traditional German immigrants who saw black, white and Asian with clear differences, Zimmerly’s father wouldn’t allow that kind of thinking in his own home. As a child, if Zimmerly cracked a joke about not really being his son, his father got angry. “He would almost hit me, saying ‘I am your father. Don’t say that.’” The signals weren’t always so clear in other places though. Zimmerly, who went to Country Day School, was often asked where he was from. Vietnam, he’d say. Oh, the war, kids replied. Which side are you on? He had no idea what they meant. During his teen years, Zimmerly distanced himself from Operation Babylift. He had his adoptee friends, but didn’t want to know the details of the crash or the war or anything to do with Vietnam. In 2005, a 30-year reunion changed that. The group, organized by Sister Mary Nelle Gage, one of the nuns at the Vietnamese orphanages, met in Estes Park, Colo. Twenty-six of the adoptees came, including the crowd Zimmerly had grown up with. By then, most of them were 30 and had already been back to Vietnam. (Story continues below the photo of the 30-year reunion) At one point during the long weekend was a group session to talk about how people were doing. “It was awful,” Zimmerly says. “I mean, it was awesome, but it was awful at the same time.” He heard a lot of pain, a struggle for identity and issues with adoptive families. And he thought, that could have been me. Zimmerly decided to return to Vietnam, to see it for himself, and soon, his mother had located two brothers and a sister who were also adopted in the United States. Through them, she found out that his birth mother was still living. In 2007, with the mother who raised him and his sister, the Zimmerlys went over to meet is birth mother. ST. LOUIS, 2010 In 2009, Jim Zimmerly and Wanda Zimmerly returned to Vietnam for a second time. He saw his birth mother again, but a stroke she’d had 10 years before was causing her health to decline. That same year, at 34, he was diagnosed with heart disease. Shortly after that, he had heart surgery. “I dodged a bullet twice,” he says. he ‘knows who he is’ Jim Zimmerly, easy going and quick to laugh, has always been that way. But after his heart surgery, it takes even more to get him rattled. Still, it happens. People say stupid things all the time, like how he looks like that guy from “Entourage” or “Mad TV.” They’re small things, like the comments growing up. But they continue. “I think it’s ignorance,” he says, “but sometimes it does get to me.” “The discrimination is what amazed me,” says his sister, Melissa Narez. “I forget that he’s Asian and he doesn’t look like me.” Jim Zimmerly knows that he and the other Babylift adoptees didn’t have what kids have now when they’re adopted transracially and internationally. There weren’t any culture camps back then, or books or classes for parents. “I don’t speak Vietnamese; I don’t know much abut the food,” he says. He wishes he did. And though he’s met his biological family, there’s no bond there, not with his biological mother or siblings. He wishes there was. While he doesn’t let it get to him, sometimes, Zimmerly feels like there’s no real place for him. “Here, you’re Vietnamese,” he says. “There, you’re an American.” In the 35 years since Operation Babylift, Sister Susan Carol McDonald has seen how differently adoptees handle their identity. “Well, most of them would say that they grew up and realized they looked different from other people and some didn’t have a problem with this, some did,” says McDonald (right), who cared for orphans in Vietnam from 1973 to 1975. “Many of them were wishing they had lighter color skin, that their eyes were shaped differently, that their hair was curly or blond, wanting to fit in. Most of them had other children teasing them with karate moves or making Chinese eyes or talking in some gobbledygook language. So they knew that they were different.” For some, it wasn’t a big deal. For others, it was. The issues of racial identity might be specific to transracial adoption, but the issue of identity in general isn’t. McDonald thinks many adoptees hesitated in asking more about their past because they didn’t want to hurt their adoptive parents. “Parents would say, oh, he’s an all-American boy, she’s an all-American girl. I think some felt they had to live up to that.” In fact, she says, some rejected their heritage because they didn’t see it in their families. Wanda Zimmerly, who still speaks on a weekly basis with other Babylift families, doesn’t know much about transracial adoption today. But without meaning to, she and the other families helped their children have a place to process their identity every summer. While the reunions ended after high school, in the last few years, many of the adoptees have reconnected online. “Jimmy knows who he is,” his mom says. And he agrees with that. He’s 35, a tax consultant, laid-back, single, living the life. He’s adopted from a place remembered for war, the survivor of a crash that killed half of those on board, the youngest of three, a St. Louis native and a St. Charles transplant. All those things are part of him. His family had a lot to do with his acceptance of that, he says. “They made me belong.” Next year, Jim Zimmerly plans on returning to Vietnam with his mom. While there, they’ll visit his birth mom again. NEXT: Sister Susan Carol McDonald plans a trip back to Vietnam with adoptees for the 35th anniversary of Operation Babylift.

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Post Adoption Services: Beginning Your Search and Reunion

At some point as adoptees, we wonder about the woman that gave us life, the caregivers that looked after us, what our medical history is, what physical attributes were passed down to us and so on. It is not an easy decision to start a search considering the many implications, frustrations, or worries that may raise.  Just know that you are not alone.

FAN has assisted dozens of adoptees and families who have inquired about search and reunion. Through the Network we’ve connected with adult adoptees who have begun their search and a handful who have successfully reunited with their birth family. Our close partnership with the  Intercountry Adoption Board has also provided needed assistance.

Feel free mail info@filipino-adoptees-network if you have an inquiries.

* Please note that if you are under the age of 18 years old, you MUST have the consent of your legal guardian to initiate a search and reunion.

* There is no guarantee that a search will be successful but this should not deter you from doing so. A search can actually provide unknown information that you were unaware of and can sometimes fill the gaps in your adoption story.

Before you decide to contact ICAB, the following information will be very helpful. It can be found on your birth certificate or the case study conducted before your adoption.

- Date of Birth

- Location of Birth

- Name of orphanage in the Philippines if you resided in one before your adoption

- Whether your adoption was private or not

- Name of foreign adoption agency i.e. U.S agency

- Date of adoption

- Name of birth mother

The Intercountry Adoption Board oversees all international (and domestic) adoptions and also has a team that provides post adoption services to assist you in your search. You can request for your original birth certificate and adoption records although if you were privately adopted prior to the 1980′s there is no guarantee of such records.

SERVICES OFFERED BY ICAB FOR SEARCH AND REUNION:

Counseling about adoption issues.

Access to original birth certificate

Provision of adoption records

Assistance to interpret and clarify information in the records

Search assistance  to find birth family and relatives.

Other intermediary services for adoptive parents, birth parents  and relatives.

Motherland Tour

RECORD KEEPING/DATA BANK/ DOCUMENTATION

• DSWD Archive
• Inter-Country Adoption Board

PROCEDURES:

A. Search process:

• The intent to search may be allowed only upon the personal request made by either  the adult adoptee, adopter or the biological parent/s. Minors who are interested to search for his/her biological parent/s shall be represented by his/her adoptive parents.
• The request must be made in writing  by whoever intends to trace his/her roots to the Executive Director  of the Inter-Country Adoption Board.
• Assess and determine the motivations and preparedness of the individual  to pursue the search.
• Identifying information e.g., names, address, personal  background etc. may be shared only between  and among the adult adoptee, adoptive parents and his/her birth parents and only of they give their written consent.
• Non-identifying  information e.g., medical records circumstances which lead to the adoption of child but not  necessarily  divulging  the identity  of concerned individual etc. may be made available  to both adoptive parents/s and birth parents and the adoptee under 18 years old.
• The use of tri-media.

B. Meeting/Reunion:

• Approval/Consent from the birth parents, adoptive parents and the adoptee must be secured before  contact and/or  reunion with each other can be arranged.]
• When reunion is decided, preparations of all concerned must be carefully planned to avoid any possible  negative experience. The social worker must also consider the decision and the readiness of  the adoptee  and the biological parent/s on whether to involve  the significant  person/s in their  present lives.
• The timing of any approach  to family members  is very critical  and incredibly important at this point. The social worker  must be aware of the impact  on all parties desiring contact. He/She  must  be able  to offer  a mediating approach  to support  people at  this time, and to try  and negotiate and agreeable outcome for all concerned, while  at the same time  providing  support the process.
• The birth parent/s and the adoptee  must be given time and space to arrive at a decision at how their lives will move on after the reunion.

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Adoptee Reflection: Learning about being Filipino-American

Eliot Cashell wrote this reflection when he was 21 years old in 2005. He continues to have a passion to learn about his Filipino roots and has returned to the Motherland since.

By Eliot Cashell

It took me a good 20 years to start figuring myself out. As a Filipino adopted by Caucasian parents from West Virginia, my life began a little differently.  As such, I was always embarrassed to visit my Filipino friend’s homes because their parents never failed to ask me: “What island are you from?” or  “What is your last name and what generation are your parents from?”
None of my answers seemed to make any sense. I tried to find answers to these questions by applying for a study program in the Philippines. However, I was denied admittance because I had expressed an interest in pursuing a career in the Navy. The director of the program explained the negative relationship between the U.S. military and the Philippines and thought that it would be too much of a cultural shock for me.

So, I turned to a group called the Philippine Cultural Society of the George Washington University (PCSGWU). There I felt welcomed and comfortable exploring my Filipino background.  I no longer found myself standing in the middle of friends’ living rooms, being hammered with cultural questions by their parents and without any satisfying answers. Instead, I learned through my peers about the Filipino culture without having to feel so different.

I ate adobo for the first time, read every piece of Filipino literature I could get my hands on and learned several cultural dances. I started to attend bigger venues like the Filipino Inter-collegiate Network Dialogue (FIND).
I began to notice how some Filipino-Americans took their culture for granted. I saw that no matter how hard I tried or how much I learned, other Filipino Americans would not accept me because of how my Caucasian parents raised me. However, these valuable experiences taught me how to become comfortable with myself.

After college I joined the Navy and received orders to attend the Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL program in California.  When I learned that there were only three Navy SEALs who were of Filipino background, the rigorous training motivated me. I dreamed of becoming a SEAL and speaking to large Filipino groups, telling them that by making it through the tough training, I was able to overcome the stereotype accorded Filipino Americans and all Asian Americans of being weak, subservient and easily conquered. I did not finish the training, but I got further than any other Filipino under the harsh scrutiny of my instructors. The challenges I confronted forced me to look inward and learn who I really am. I know life will continue to present challenges to me that are dynamic and that they will define me, which, in turn, will help me understand and learn more about my identity.

One thing is certain: I enjoy learning about being Filipino American. It will always be part of my life, and knowing that there is always something more to learn is comforting. Being Filipino American gives me a passion to live.

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Filipino Heritage Camp – Winter Park Mountain Lodge – July 15-18, 2010

“I Love Camp” FHC 2nd Grader Camper
“ This is my Favorite Camp” FHC 5th Grade Camper
“ I don’t want Camp to end” FHC 7th Grade Camper
“ It’s worth so much to see our girls grow with confidence – giving them the tools to cope with adoption/race issues we don’t fully understand. They look forward to seeing their long lasting friends every year.” FHC Parent
I did not realize how much camp would help me as a Parent too!” FHC Parent

The Filipino Heritage Camp is one of a handful of camps designed especially for families with children adopted from the Philippines/with Filipino heritage. Committed to exploring both the cultural and the adoption aspects of growing as an adoptive family, it is one of ten camps facilitated by the highly respected Colorado Heritage Camps, Inc.

FHC 2010 is going to be a year of big changes! Not only do we have a new facility in Winter Park, it will be the first year in the history of FHC that two Filipino adult adoptees will be Co-Directing! We have big shoes to fill with our predecessors and former Directors Scott Grant and Sue Thiry but are confident that the dedicated parent and Filipino community volunteers will once again be instrumental in providing wonderful programming for the children and parents. FHC is also planning an optional “Family Fun Day” for folks who would like an extra no frills day. Date to be announced so please check site regularly for update.

The Filipino Adoptees Network (FAN) is thrilled to partner with FHC for the 4th year. FAN is a network that supports and provides resources to Filipino adoptees, adoptive families and those touched by adoption. Volunteering as a counselor for FHC is an amazing opportunity to meet fellow Filipino adult adoptees. Click here to apply as an FHC counselor:

This year FAN is proud assist with the development and implementation of the:
• elementary workshops,
• middle school and high school workshops,
• adult workshops,
• and family based programs.

Our new location, Winter Park Mountain Lodge is located
directly across from the Ski Resort, which is full of summer time events and activities, and a stones throw from downtown Winter Park. The Resort recently added 100 new rooms and renovated 52 rooms. Area activities and amenities are endless; we are ecstatic to provide you with a memorable and fun weekend!

Plans for 2010?

” NO history, NO self, KNOW history, KNOW self: Honoring Filipino Americans”

2010 is a U.S. Census year and the Filipino American community is anticipated to become the first largest Asian American group, surpassing the Chinese Americans. The U.S. Census reported in 2007 that 3.1 million Filipinos reside in America and 80% of Filipino Americans are U.S. citizens. Also in 2007, the U.S. Census reported the Filipino American community to be 4 million or 1.5% of the U.S. population.

Who are the Notable Filipino Americans? What have been their contributions?

This year’s Filipino Heritage Camp, you will learn about the rich history of Filipinos in America that date as far back as 1587 to present day. The workshops and activities will focus on prominent Filipino Americans in the various industries such as entertainment, science, education, sports, medicine and arts. There will also be educational and fun workshops that will look at music, art, dance, history and games that celebrate our Filipino American heritage.

The elementary workshops will include sessions on:
• Filipino/American history
• Craft projects
• discovering love of Filipino music, and dance,
• entertainment and games!

There is specialized programming for our middle and high school aged campers, including:
• Learning about our Filipino American history
• “Survivor Philippines”
• Filipinos in the music industry
• Babayin – the ancient Filipino sanskrit
• “More than Me” project, partner organization to be announced. For more on this trademark Colorado Heritage Camps project, click here:

Workshops for Parents will include;
• The popular cooking classes,
• Adoptee panel,
• An overview of the history of Filipinos in America
• Parent run workshops

The Filipino-American Community of Colorado (FACC) will be celebrating their 10th year volunteering with FHC. The members have had an invaluable role with the camp over the years providing a connection to our Filipino culture by teaching us about culture, cuisine, dance, music and history of the Philippines.

To read about last year’s camp click here

For more pictures of Filipino Camp 2008 click here

We look forward to seeing your family at camp!

Volunteers/Counselors:
The support from the local Filipino community from Denver is amazing BUT we are always looking for more volunteers and counselors; to assist with the kids, teach workshops, preparing meals, etc., We encourage Filipino adult adoptees to apply as counselors, which offers a unique opportunity to network with fellow adoptees. Please consider joining us this year as a volunteer or counselor!
Donations:
As a non-profit 501 C(3) organization, Filipino Heritage Camp is always seeking financial assistance to help keep camp costs reasonable for families, and still provide an outstanding program. If you’d like to help, please go to the Donations section of this web site. Thank you very much in advance.
Frequent Flier Donations:
We are also in need of donations of frequent flier miles to help defray costs of out of state speakers. If you have miles you can donate please email us at info@heritagecamps.org
We hope to see you at camp this summer. For further information, please contact us. Filipino.H.Camp@gmail.com

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Poems by an Adoptee

My name is Andrew Ric Heyer. My adopted parents put Andrew in front of Ric, which is the name I responded to when I was young. Why they put Andrew I will never know. I think I was adopted when I was 2 and on the way to the U.S. my friend gave me a black eye with a Tonka truck. Although I don’t remember this, that is the story I was told.

My adopted parents have given me a wonderful life and I am forever grateful for that. Although it took me a very long time to say that. For the longest time I was very angry and hurt that I was given up. Why would someone do that? What was wrong with me. It took me a long time to come to grips that there must have been a good reason and should be thankful for everything my adopted parents have given me. Truth be told, I am still working on fully accepting my adopted parents, but its a work in progress.

For more poems by Andrew Heyer please visit his site  here.

~ Memories ~

with these outstretched arms I reach for you

songs of sadness scream the pain I feel

ripped away from the only comfort I have known

separated for reasons I will never know

in slow motion I watch you fade away

yearning for your touch

longing to be held and loved

a boy forced to be a man to soon

by those deeming you unfit to care for your son

all those precious moments

lost between a mother and son

memories never to made

I wish for them now

for I have found you to late

rest now, I hope you found the peace you searched for

mother..

~ Mother ~

I’ve been sitting in this room so dark and alone

trying to find a place where I belong

grasping at the nothingness which surrounds me

covered in this shroud of darkness, unable to break free

desperately searching for a peacefulness amongst all this confusion

so cold and lost

this constant inner turmoil of which I struggle against

silently destroys the remnants of my inner sanctuary

so many questions, so many pieces without a place

you left me here so small and afraid

maybe you found what you were looking for

but, perhaps you needed only look in front of you

why did you leave me….mother….

~ My Angel ~

soft summer breeze gently caressing my face

whispering soft words of love in the afternoon

passionate kisses lasting forever and a day

here in the twilight our bodies intertwined

two becoming one

beneath the setting sun our worlds collide

all of our inhibitions melting away

your tender touch soften my tough facade

all my fears dissolve into oblivion

relinquishing control of my soul to you

nothing in this world can harm me

I feel so safe and loved when I’m with you

in this world, through all the madness

I find shelter and comfort in your arms

my angel, my small piece of heaven, on this earth

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The Neighborhood: An Extraordinary Exchange – Five Stories on Adoption

January 15, 2010

An Extraordinary Exchange

Five Stories on Adoption
More and more children are growing up knowing two families: their adoptive family and their birth family. Adults whose birth records were sealed are reuniting with long lost birth parents, and gay, lesbian and transracial adoptions are on the rise — changing the face of our family photo albums and American identity.

This segment is from Neighborhood’s Emily Corwin.
9:30

Right Click and “Save As” to
Download the .mp3

The full hour-long broadcast includes five segments from independent producers across the country.
55:54

• On Open Adoption: Emily Corwin, The Neighborhood
• This could go on forever: Shea Shackelford of Big Shed Audio and Vige Millington with funding from Speakeasy Storycast
• Parenting All Over Again: Adopting the Grandkids: Rebecca Sheir of WAMU and NPR
• Fifty-four Years: Erin Calabria of Salt Institute for Documentary Studies
• Eve Wants a Baby: Sarah Bromer of Center for Documentary Studies at Duke University

Broadcast on 01/14/10.

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Ang Aking Pamilya/My Family: Jen Barroga

Ang Aking Pamilya
By Jen Barroga

This coming May, my husband, Ron, and I will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary.  It’s amazing how quickly time has passed.  Ten years ago we were doe-eyed 25-year-olds ready to immerse ourselves into our new life together.  We planned our future to a tee:  we bought our first house a few months prior, next step was to enjoy married life for about a year or so, and then start trying to have a baby.  After our biological kids were a few years older, we would look into adopting a child from the Philippines.  As easy as that plan may have seemed, we quickly learned that our family planning was going to be anything but easy.

Like many other couples, we sought infertility treatment and rode the emotional roller coaster for a few years. After no success, we decided to rethink our family planning.  It dawned on us that maybe it was in God’s plan for us to adopt first and then maybe biological children would come afterwards.  I knew of one other Filipino family who adopted from the Philippines, so I contacted them to learn more about the whole process.  After talking with them about their experience, we were ready to move forward and begin our journey to having a child of our own.

Although both of us were born and raised in the U.S., Ron and I naturally wanted to adopt a child from the Philippines, where our parents emigrated from decades ago. With them, they brought the beautiful culture of their homeland and passed it on to us.  At a very early age, I learned how important ‘family’ was and how necessary it was to extend a helping hand to those in our Filipino community, embracing the bayanihan spirit.  Both Ron and I were surrounded by many “aunties and uncles” who were not related by blood but were considered to be family nonetheless. Our extended family met regularly to eat together, pray together, build an organization together.  We learned about their similar stories; how they all moved to a foreign country, hoping to create a better life with more opportunities for their own families and for themselves.  It was an inspiring and courageous story which reinforced our decision to adopt a child overseas.  We understood
the value of our culture and experienced the beautiful camaraderie between our parents and their kababayan.  Having such a positive influence on us, our parents later eased any worries we had initially about introducing the idea of adoption to them.

During the first year of our marriage, our families were eager for us to start having children.  It didn’t matter that we were newlyweds, still making that transition from “boyfriend-girlfriend” to “husband-wife.”  Everyone wanted us to start our family planning right away.  Although we got the occasional “So…no kids yet?” comment, we stuck with our master plan of trying to have kids after our first year of marriage.  When we decided that we were going to adopt a child from the Philippines, our parents’ initial reaction was surprise.  They encouraged us to just “keep trying” and that it (pregnancy) would eventually happen.  After explaining to them that adoption was part of our family planning regardless of whether or not we had biological children, they quickly warmed up to the idea and eventually became our biggest cheerleaders.  It was comforting to know that our parents were just as excited as we were to meet our newest family
member.

Prior to picking up our child and bringing her home, Ron and I each had visited the Philippines twice as young children, and then together in 2003 to visit family.  It was an eye-opening experience for us as adults.  We were able to understand just how challenging life had been for our immigrant parents, as well as the current struggle for our relatives in the Philippines.  Although they didn’t have many material things or even basic necessities, their genuine happiness and love for life truly humbled us.  After the last trip, we appreciated our heritage and culture even more.  It was a beautiful lesson, one that we have carried with us and have already begun to pass down to our child.

For 2½ years now, Ron and I have had the honor of being Papa and Mama to our daughter, Marielle.  She completed our family at age 14 months and has grown into a precocious 3½-year-old.  From the beginning, we instilled cultural values in her so that she, too, will develop a sense of love and respect for her Filipino culture.  She leads us in prayer before every meal, she knows to mano her elders when they extend their hand out to her, and she refers to her older cousins as kuya or ate.  She is a singer and dancer at heart and has already mastered some songs on our karaoke machine!  Also, since both Ron and I understand but do not speak Tagalog, we have taught her songs in Tagalog so that the language does not sound foreign to her.  When she gets older, we would like to have her participate in a Filipino cultural dance troupe and to visit the Philippines eventually.

Life has been even sweeter since Marielle became a part of our pamilya.  Our adoption journey enveloped an array of emotions that tested our patience, our faith, our marriage. It has definitely been a humbling experience.  Marielle is a gift from God — Papa and Mama’s little miracle.  She gives us more reason to celebrate our life together and has given us more purpose than she will ever realize.

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My Experience Speaking at the Families for Children from the Philippines Conference and Visiting the Philppines: Marilyn Kirby

My Experience Speaking at the Families for Children from the Philippines Conference and Visiting the Philppines:
By Marilyn Kirby

Marilyn also known as TiyaDK, was born in the islands and grew up as an orphan. As an adolescent, she struggled to find her identity. Painting became a therapeutic hobby. Without any formal art training, Tiya eventually developed her own unique style. Her bold and vibrant colors; shapes and curves have caught people’s attention, giving her the opportunity to showcase her work for different venues. Most of her work is abstract acrylic paint on large canvases. She uses her paint brushes, her fingers and different mediums to give some of her paintings a 3-D effect.

For more information about Marilyn and to view her amazing art work, visit here

Preparing for this trip was a last minute decision because it was unexpected that I would actually meet any biological family; particularly my nanay (mother) who had been missing for over 18+ years but with patience, faith, and perseverance; my agency Kaisahang Buhay Foundation (KBF) found my mother and other family members.
Hearing the exciting news was thrilling and it happened to be a pefect coincident that my agency was participating for the annual International Adoption Conference at the Edsa Shangri-La, Manila Hotel. They kindly asked me to be a guest speaker and talk about my experiences, struggles, and challenges as an orphan while growing up and my transformation as an adoptee.

The night before my (adoptive) mother and I were leaving for the Philippines, I was up writing my life away (bio), trying to find significant moments that stood out as a child that could be helpful to other adoptee. Being through so many different obstacles, struggles, challenges and changes; I felt it was extremely important to be honest and give real life experiences rather than sugar coating my story. I also hoped that my testimony would encourage other young adoptee and families who have similar experiences, to believe that everything happens for a reason, that we are not perfect and that “Imperfection is perfection”. 

The week before my speech, my agency (KBF) made an incredible effort to make sure I met my nanay and other family before I gave my speech, so that my experience in meeting my family could be vivid to the audience and most of all, I could easily talk about it. With many different turns, obstacles, woods, dirt roads, random stops, and the hours spent looking for my family (took about 8-12 hours, which the ride was definitely worth it), we finally reached our destination.

I finally met my biological mother and 75+ other family that I didn’t expect to meet, which included, 10 aunts and uncles, 4 siblings, nephews, nieces, and generations after generations of different cousins. The experience was emotional, thrilling and exciting. I knew the minute I saw the house full of people this would be one great speech I would deliver!

The day of my speech, my mother and I were waiting for KBF to fetch us where we stayed, at The Peninsula Hotel, in Makati. The traffic in down town Manila, Philippines was insane, so therefore they were late picking us up. I was on edge and a bit nervous that we were way behind schedule and on top of that, I was scheduled to be one of the first speakers. Once they finally picked us up, my social worker, Celia mentions to me that we are 45 minutes late but to not worry. They assured us we would still get there on time but what took the icing off the cake is when Celia started reading the conference program and discretely mentions to me, “Ooo and by the way, you are giving an opening statement to start the International Adoption Conference.”

I almost died when she said that; panicking and feeling sweat balls on my forehead I rushed to get a pen and paper. While I brain stormed and weeded out my clueless thoughts, trying to figure out what the heck was I going to say; I had my mother on the right, cordially being my personal secretary as I spoke, she wrote down my thoughts.

We finally arrived at the hotel, running through the hotel lobby, thinking we had already missed the opening, still writing, we take our seats. There had to be at least 30 lines scratched out with ink marks smeared all over the sheet but eventually as the conference began and the pledge of allegiance takes place, I find the right words for my opening speech which was; short, sweet, and straight from the heart.

Having the chance to speak several times throughout the conference was an absolute honor. Testifying my struggles, experiences, and challenges was hard because I wasn’t sure if my honesty would be over the top and be way too much for the audience. I spoke with pride and mostly from my heart. After making my speech, I felt I might have scared everyone away but when the conference session ended; I had several Directors from different agencies and other people who thanked me for my honesty and that it gave them hope with their struggles as an adoptive parent. Several other audiences cried and many thanked me for sharing and that it gave them hope that their situation can improve. It was extremely touching because I didn’t expect the feed back to be so great!

After I made my speech, I had the chance to hear case studies and other adoptee speak on their experiences. The one thing I observed that we had in common; we are the chosen ones who share similar struggle’s, experiences, and challenges. Every adoptee who spoke left with something remarkable to remember. I thought it was great we were all different ages but we were able hang out and establish a friendship.
At the end of the conference, all of the adoptee decided to go out and have fun. It was special that we could all hang out and get to know each other. We sang, ate, danced, and played pool, but most of all; we had an opportunity to share a bond; that’s one of the many experiences I got to share, that stands out the most from the conference.

I never thought I would meet other people who were just like me and could relate on a similar level. Having the chance to participate at the International Adoption Conference, seeing other adoptee speak from their hearts, and having the chance to interact with different agencies, social workers, doctors, etc., was a lifetime opportunity I will never forget and if I could do it all over again, I would!!!

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3rd International Conference of Adoptive Families of Filipino Children: Reflection By Mark Kunkel

3rd International Conference of Adoptive Families of Filipino Children: Reflection

By Mark Kunkel

This summer, the Inter-Country Adoption Board of the Philippines hosted the 3^rd International Conference of Adoptive Families of Filipino Children.  Over 160 adoptees, adoptive families, and adoption professionals attended the conference, held from August 15 – 16, in Manila.  Adoptees from the Philippines and from around the world gave presentations about our experiences as adoptees – our challenges and successes, searching and connecting to our Filipino roots, and our hopes for the future of Filipino adoption.  As Ian Truelove, a 15 year-old adoptee from Albion, Indiana, said,

“It was inspirational, a more-than-imaginable experience.”

One highlight of the conference was Lorial Crowder’s introduction of the Filipino Adoptees Network, the first global organization of Filipino adoptees.  FAN’s website, supportive services, and plans for the future were well received by the international adoption community.  The Inter-Country Adoption Board, child caring agencies in the Philippines, and foreign adoption agencies all expressed support of FAN’s mission to, “link the past to strengthen our identities.”  Lorial reported,

“This visit was significant to me because my mother was accompanying me for her first time to the country that I once called home.  We spent the first week traveling through the Northern Cordilleras, and the following week and a half attending the conferences organized by the Inter-Country Adoption Board.  I was especially elated to bring more recognition of the Filipino Adoptees Network to the international adoption community.  I felt as though I was another step closer to rebuilding my past, while also uniting global Filipino adoptees and bringing attention to the need for post-adoption services.”

The conference was a wonderful opportunity to meet other adoptees from different parts of the world.  Adoptees from as close as Manila and as far away as Norway told about our challenges, successes, identity struggles and discoveries, and gratitude.  Becoming acquainted with one another expanded our perspectives:  Adoptees from the United States told of developing our identities as people of color in America, our experiences in our multi-cultural families, and the unfolding processes of reconnecting with our Filipino heritage and culture.  Adoptees from the Philippines told of prejudices and challenges they had experienced growing up, as well as the love and support they had received throughout their lives.  We all expressed gratitude for the privileges we enjoy, and marveled at the elusive meaning of it all.

Ms. Marilyn Kirby gave the opening remarks for the conference.  Hailing from Virginia, she traveled with her adoptive mother to search for her biological mother.  For Marilyn,

“Preparing for this trip was a last minute decision, because a majority of people didn’t expect me to find my family, especially my biological mother who had been missing for years.  I was very excited when I found out that the RSCC (Research and Study Center for Children) found other family members.  I instantly knew that this was the moment I had been waiting for all my life.  On top of that, at the conference I was given the honor to speak about my experiences, struggles, and challenges as an orphan while growing up.”

Marilyn was successful in reuniting with her biological mother, along with numerous other relatives eager to meet her just before the start of the conference.  Her words spoke of her emotions before, during, and after her reunion with her biological family.  Speaking at the conference drudged up many emotions and feelings for Marilyn, and sharing her story with the audience at the conference was also very intimidating.

“Talking about my struggles brought back flashbacks as if they were yesterday.  It also made me reflect on the person I have become, and realize how much I have accomplished.  It inspired me to write honestly, so that I could motivate other young adoptees and families who have similar struggles to believe that everything will work out,” said Marilyn,

“Imperfection is perfection.”

The 3^rd International Conference brought together many first time delegates.  FAN delegates were delighted to encounter Rosario Malayo de la Rosa, otherwise introduced to us as Rhea.  She was adopted domestically in the Philippines when she was an infant.  Rhea’s mother is the Executive Director of Kaisahang Buhay Foundation in Quezon City, and encouraged her daughter to accompany her.  Rhea commented,

“I have never attended a conference like this before, and the only reason why I went there was to support my fellow adoptee friends who were presenting that morning.  It was worth a try to attend and sit there listening to the speakers.  The thing that struck me most were the friendships that I made with them.”

Also at the conference, Mark Kunkel, from California, gave insight about his experience growing up in Virginia, and his hopes for the future.  Mark advocated,

“At the 30th anniversary of the Inter-Country Adoption Program, we now have the opportunity to develop post-adoption resources for current and future adoptees:  Adoption is a transformation of relationships, and the creation of the Filipino Adoptees Network is an opportunity to transform isolation and diaspora into community.”

Additional sessions at the 3rd International Conference of Adoptive Families of Filipino Children included reports from child caring agencies and foster families about specific processes for “Letting Go Of A Filipino Adoptee” and “Information Needed By Adoptees In Searching For Their Roots.”  The former is an important topic on which there is much work to be done to improve existing systems, practices, (lack of) organization, and (lack of) collected information, and where FAN can make important contributions.

For all who attended, the 3rd International Conference of Families for Adoptive Families of Filipino Children was very meaningful and significant.  As Tia Truelove (Ian’s older sister) astutely commented,

“It made metake a deeper look at my abandonment/adoption.  The conference caused so many emotions to surface – among them sadness, joy, anger, and immense gratitude.  The whole experience made me feel small yet part of this wondrous phenomenon – Filipino adoption.”

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Born in the Philippines, Perfected for you in America: David Slattery’s adoption reflection

The Slatterys, a very loving and caring family adopted me at the age
of two from Hosipico de San Jose in the Philippines.

I have made two trips back to my homeland. My first visit in 1997 I
participated in a “Motherland” tour with Hand in Hand. It was during
this trip that I took hold of my great culture. Since my visit, with
the help and encouragement of my family and friends, I have become
involved with the Filipino American Community of Colorado (FACC).
Through my participation, I have been able to learn and appreciate my
culture even more. The FACC has granted me numerous opportunities to
learn about my Filipino culture through dance, Tagalog classes,
cooking classes, appreciating our heroes such as Jose Rizal, and
meeting other adoptees from the Philippines.

I was given the wonderful opportunity to reach out to other Filipino
adoptees when FACC introduced me to the Filipino Heritage Camp, a
specialized culture and heritage camp for adoptees from the
Philippines and their families. I have volunteered in the last 4 years
since 1999. Since its first introduction it has continued to grow into
a valuable resource for adoptees and their families who want to learn
about the Philippine culture. This summer, FHC will be held August
4th-7th at Snow Mountain Ranch near Fraser, Colorado.

During the FHC 2004 camp, I was reunited with Lorial Crowder and first
met Sharon Cuartero, two Filipina adoptees that recently launched the
only existing web-based support and cultural network, Filipino
Adoptees Network (FAN). Their website offers a variety of cultural and
adoption resources including news articles, events, and personal
stories written by adoptees. Site features also include a discussion
board comprised of adoption and cultural topics and also the
opportunity to network with individuals who share similar experiences.

FAN has provided a special place for me to meet other adoptees that
share the same questions and concerns. I have developed long lasting
friendships and have found a place where I do not feel like an
outcast. I can talk freely talk about adoption including my fears, my
heartaches, my hopes, and my dreams. Without FAN, I would not be able
to express my feeling or hear the cares and concerns of others. It
truly is a wonderful network and I would like to thank Lorial and
Sharon for their hard work. Please visit the FAN website at

http://www.filipino-adoptees-network.org

The Filipino American Community of Colorado, the Filipino Heritage
Camp, and the Filipino Adoptees Network have been wonderful assets to
help me continue discover my Filipino roots. These organizations have
offered tremendous opportunities and I thank them all for offering
ways to discover and appreciate the endless opportunities that have
been given to me.

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